by Dr. Chris Surber, pastor, director of Supply and Multiply ministry to Haiti, and author of A Cup of Cold Water, Rendering Unto Caesar: Examining What Jesus Said About Giving God What is His, and more!
Published in the Suffolk News-Herald, December 5, 2016 in the Opinion Column:
To say, “Remember those who are less fortunate” is a kind of passive compliance with one of our more polite social norms. Give more, smile more, laugh more, have more compassion at the holidays.
Down the street a 90-year-old man is mourning the first Christmas without the shining bride of his youth. A loving mother is spending the first Christmas without her little boy who just went off to the serve in the Army. It’s a sad Christmas for Mom, because her long-ailing father just slipped into eternity.
These are real pains and deep sorrows that dropping seventeen cents into a red bucket can’t solve. We need a deep wisdom to find meaning at Christmas. (Read more …)
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Category: Grief
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Ronald Higdon: Surviving a Son's Suicide – Three Years Later
by Dr. Ronald Higdon, retired pastor and author of In Changing Times: A Guide for Reflection and Conversation and Surviving a Son’s Suicide.
A favorite phrase of some who want to encourage you to move on from a jarring life experience is: “Get over it.” As the years increase, most of us learn there are some things you never “get over” – if by that you mean shifting gears, zooming ahead, and forgetting that it ever happened. “Get over it” at first seems to be sound advice for something that slams you to the floor and puts a hold on everything in life. But it’s not.
Grief is a very individual experience and there is simply no right or scheduled way to deal with it. So much depends on family rituals, the culture in which we have lived, our faith community (or lack thereof), what we have learned in dealing with former losses, our relationship with the deceased person, other things going on in our lives at the time, our emotional state of health, and all of the other factors that make up our world experience.
This is why “one size doesn’t fit all” when it comes to what we need to do in order not to get mired down in grief that permanently sidelines us from living. What is helpful for one person may not be helpful for another. There is usually no end to the number of well-meaning people who are eager to provide a recipe for recovery that is the intended resolution of your grief.
Cindy Lightner’s 13 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. (Cindy is the founder of MADD.) In her book Giving Sorrow Words she describes what occurred when a minister came to comfort her:
I asked him over and over again, “Why her?” He simply sat on the couch and said, “This is God’s will.” I was already angry and perhaps he noticed. He repeated, “You should remember when things like this happen, it’s God’s will.” “What do you mean by God’s will?” I said. “God’s will isn’t to run down children in the street and leave them there to die.” And I got him up from the couch and physically shoved him out the door.”
We soon realize that some people cannot handle our grief at all so they offer for themselves what they need in order not to be overcome by fear of the loss you are experiencing. It is unfair to expect everyone to be able to stand with you in a loss that is frightening the wits out of them. The best they can do – and the best they ought to do – is simply to show up in silence with whatever they feel comfortable in offering in the way of a hug or a shared tear – or simply to stand with you a few moments. The worst thoughtless statement I have ever read is one Lightner cites in her book that she assures us she is not making up: “I know just how you feel,” one woman said. “My dog died two weeks ago.”
Pat (my wife) and I were spared any such “comfort” but were instead blessed with friends who not only stood with us but who provided the many needed “services” that are a part of visitation and funeral arrangements. There was an abundance of food both for our family at home and for those who visited the funeral home. Errands were run, phone calls were made, lists were kept of those who cared for us in so many ways. In short, comfort was put into action at a time when our energy for the basics was almost non-existent.
During those days that still seem a blur, presence was everything. Notes and cards were treasured reminders that we were not alone. Whenever I talk about that time I emphasize one of the things that provided so much support: we could actually feel the care and love around us. In those early days it was literally our lifeline.
Pat has always kept a personal journal and she wrote a lot in those early days. She talked with close friends. She read for comfort and strength and found one of the most helpful books for her was Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff. I also read and wrote. After about six weeks I returned to an interim position at the First Baptist Church in Morehead, Kentucky. Fortunately, I had already spent several months with them and knew they would receive me back where I was. My sermon that first Sunday was “A Personal Journey into Grief.” Putting my grief into words before an affirming and loving congregation I count as a major step in beginning to move forward.
Over the course of several months I wrote what later became the book Surviving a Son’s Suicide. Subsequently, I began to offer free workshops where the discussions were honest and, sometimes, emotional. I always confessed at the beginning of the workshop (even now after three years) that I never know when grief may suddenly emerge from the wings and momentarily once again take center stage. I let the attendees know that this is okay with me in my grief journey and I trust it will be okay with them.
My study is on the lower level of our home and at the bottom of the stairs is a large portrait of our two sons that was given to us on our fiftieth wedding anniversary. This means that several times a day I am reminded of a son who led such an accomplished life. His bi-polar condition and suicide do not define his identity. Pat and I know there is so much more about his life than those last few tragic months. Three years after our loss we have not forgotten what a blessing he was to us and how much we continue to miss him. The best way we know to honor his memory is to be as fully alive as we are able and to be available to stand with others who need companions in their personal grief journeys.
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Tabitha Edwards-Walton: Letter from Heaven, "I love you, Mom!"
by Tabitha Edwards-Walton, author of Poetic Life Experiences and Poetic Diversities
Note: This is a new poem from Tabitha, not found in her two previous books.
Mom, I hope by now you understand,
That it’s Okay, I am in the Promised Land.
He told me that one day I would Fly Away.
My father said, “I am coming for you one day.”
He said, “Fly with me, my Child.” I said, “Father, I am ready!”
He did not take my life; He gave me eternity.
I am with our Heavenly Father,
Where I can play and hold the hand of your mother.
Mom, there are so many flowers! I will save the prettiest one for you!
You have to wait, because it is not your time though; you still have more to do.
When it is your time, I will run to you with all of my charms.
I will receive you with smiles and open arms.
I will watch over you as you have always done for me.
I am your protector; now you see.
Father said, I did a good job by helping so many.
Love always, your Buddy
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Can you or should you do everything for your loved one?
The short answer: no.
The long answer: No one can do everything.
Now, the explanation. When you see a loved one hurting, in pain, struggling with something, or feeling down and out, it is almost instinctive to step in and do whatever is needed. For some reason, when you love someone, you just take on all of their burdens, trials and struggles and make them your own. That’s not entirely a bad thing, though. We are told, as Christians, that if we love someone, we are to give up our lives for them. What’s a little inconvenience of taking on burdens and tasks in comparison to sacrificing your life?
But there’s a problem. You really can’t do everything. There are just some things that you are not equipped or capable to do. Oh, sure, you could probably struggle your way through it, I’m sure. I don’t know the first thing about cutting someone’s hair, but I’m sure I could figure it out and give my wife a new ‘do when her hair grows in. My wife doesn’t have the first clue about how to change the oil in the car, but she could probably do it if I was incapacitated… maybe.
The point isn’t really whether or not you can do something. You probably can do what needs to be done. But there may come a time when you may simply be unable to do it. I shared in my book, The Caregivers Beatitudes, one such situation that happened during my wife’s cancer treatments. It was a situation that, try as I might, I just was inadequate to be able to meet a specific need of hers. As much as I tried to show mercy to my wife in her time of need, I just could not. It took someone from outside our little family to offer to meet that need for me to realize that I needed mercy myself.
That’s at the core of these kinds of things. It’s very obvious that the person going through the illness, or grief, or pain, needs mercy. But it isn’t always so obvious that the caregiver needs mercy as well. Caregivers are a tough lot. We take on a lot and we roll with a lot of punches. Many times, we sit on the sidelines and let our loved ones get the attention. And why not? They are the ones who need the help, not us. We don’t need any help. We’re caregivers. We can do it all. Or so we think.
But as much as our loved ones need mercy, we need it, too. We need to be cared for and we need our rest, but we rarely take it for ourselves. What we need, ultimately, is for someone else to step in, take us by the hand and tell us, “It’s OK. You can rest now.” We need to be shown mercy, just like we have shown mercy to our own loved ones. That is, after all, why the beatitudes matter.
Order Care Giver’s Beatitudes here: http://energiondirect.info/authors/authors-l-m/robert-martin/the-caregivers-beatitudes -
Suicide and Grief
Jody Neufeld, author of Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, has written an important post on suicide for Christians titled Suicide IS Painful. Discussion is now open in our forum for this topic.
